


Not When, But How

by litra



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Established Relationship, Goodbyes, M/M, Podfic Welcome, Suicidal Thoughts, Tearful Goodbyes, but it somehow manages to have a happy ending, seriously this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litra/pseuds/litra
Summary: Phil dies at the hands of Loki. He never expected to see a Valkyrie waiting for him but maybe that’s what happens when you interact with Norse gods.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [megankent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megankent/gifts).



> so yeah, this is not my normal thing, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. My secret holiday gift recipient put deathfic on their list so here it is. Hope you like it. You're getting a second story too in case this one doesn't fit your fancy.
> 
> spoiler summary at the end

Phil felt the blade pierce his chest and knew he was done, borrowed time and all that. Loki was still talking with Thor, and Thor was saying something but Phil had to focus on the gun. He could still do some good. The Cannon went off and it was a good thing he was already leaning against a wall, because that thing had one hell of a recoil.

“So that’s what it does.” He muttered to himself. They weren’t bad as last words, he figured. At least he thought they would be his last words, there was already an angel, long blond hair and shining. She was standing on the air where the cell had been her hair tossed by the wind but otherwise unaffected. Then Fury was there and apparently he had a few more words after all.

The medic tried to revive him for three or four minutes. Fury didn’t wait that long of course. It was odd, watching the scene from beside his own body. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in ghosts, it was just that he’d had to face so much else in his life, he wasn’t going to spend time thinking about things that he hadn’t encountered yet.

After the medic finally did call it, Phil looked up at the woman. No one else seemed to be able to see her so his angel theory was still holding out. She didn’t look quite like he’d expected, no wings for one, instead she wore shimmering armor, with a white cape and a sword at her hip. Then again, angels were warriors in the old stories.

“Hello,” he stuck his fingers in his pockets.

“Philip, Son of Coul, I am Randgrid. The Lord Thor Odin’s son called me hence. I judge you worthy to enter the halls of Valhalla, should you choose to accept.” Her voice was strong, echoing with power even though she spoke softly.

Not an angel than, a valkyrie.

“And if I choose not to?” Phil kept his voice light, the offer was an honor he knew, but it wasn’t like he had a lot of experience with the afterlife.

“Then I shall depart and leave your spirit to whatever other guide may come for you.”

So apparently the guides of death from different cultures respected each other, that was interesting. Phil considered turning her down just to see who else would show up, but in the end he’d never been a particularly religious man. The afterlife of the Norse heroes sounded good, and it was at least better than the nebulous concept of a heaven without a details attached.

“I will go with you, but I have a request first.”

She tilted her head and considered him, “Ask it.”

Phil took a slow breath. He should ask if they win, if his death had meaning, if it was enough, but in his heart that wasn’t what he wanted to know.

“Clint, is he alright?”

The valkyrie stepped forward. She was taller then him by at least four inches. She gently laid a hand on his chest.

“Clint, he is the one closest to your heart.”

Phil nodded, “I love him.” He didn’t need to say that they’d been married for five years, that he’d first kissed Clint in the rain after an op gone bad, that their first fight had been over whose turn it was to do laundry because both of them were too afraid to talk about the dangers their jobs put them in. It was there in his voice.

Randgrid slowly nodded. Her eyes went distant. “He is in combat.”

“Please, I need to know if he survives, if he’s alright.”

She focused on him again, and took a half step back, drawing into herself. “That is a dangerous request. I have seen fine warriors broken when they realize their sacrifice was for naught.”

“I understand. I’m prepared, and I know there’s nothing I can do one way or the other, but I need to know.”

She sighed and shook her head, “Very well. Retrieve your weapon and we shall see what we shall see.”

Phil blinked, then looked down at the gun that hadn’t yet been packed away back into storage. He vaguely remembered something about weapons being tied to people or legacies in Norse mythology, but he hadn’t expected to be able to take it. He wasn’t even physical anymore. That didn’t seem to matter because when he reached for the cannon a spectral version came away, and he was able to swing it over his shoulder.

“I’m ready.”

The valkyrie nodded and guided his steps with a hand on his elbow. One moment they were on the helicarrier, the next they were over New York, and a portal was opening in the sky. Another step and the air around them was full of giant whale creatures. Another step and the enemy was falling. Phil realized they were stepping through time, skipping minutes or hours to get to the end of the fight.

Another step and they were in a small Mediterranean diner. The Avengers sat at a table, all of them together, clearly exhausted, but whole. Banner was mechanically putting food in his mouth as if he didn’t care what it was he was eating. Tony fiddled with his napkin, tearing it back from his meal, then balling it up. Thor ate as if he wasn’t sure what he was putting in his mouth, which was fair. Phil recognized the food, but it wasn’t exactly something that would have been common in New Mexico. The Captain was leaning on one hand, clearly trying not to fall asleep. Natasha picked at her food taking dainty little bites while mostly watching Clint.

Clint…

Phil knew he had to be out of Loki’s control. He’d never be there otherwise, but something wasn’t right. His pita was untouched. He sat sideways in his chair, which was common enough, but he wasn’t looking around, wasn’t focused on anything around him. Nat had to keep drawing his attention, not to the conversation because they all seemed to tired to have any, but to the world in general.

“Not the grandest of victory feasts, but they live. He lives.”

Phil slowly shook his head. This wasn’t right.

Thor picked up his paper cup and held it high. “A toast,” He said, “To the Son of Coul. May his valor inspire songs in the halls of Valhalla.”

Steve blinked looking up, then reached for his coke. Tony looked like he wished there was more than coke in his cup. But it was Clint’s reaction that Phil couldn’t tear his eyes away from.

Clint had collapsed in on himself. He wasn’t meeting anyone's eyes, wasn’t watching anyone’s lips. His normally steady hands were shaking. Natasha reached out, took his shoulder, but he only shook his head.

“It should have been me.” The words come out wrong, too loud and mispronounced. Clint didn’t have his hearing aids in.

“Clint, it wasn’t your fault.” Natasha spoke clearly, trying to get him to look at her. His eyes were the best Phil has ever seen, he can read lips from three blocks away, there’s no way he can miss what she’s saying if he actually looks. Then Clint closes his eyes. The others don’t know what that means, can’t know, but Phil does. Natasha must at least suspect, because she latches onto Clint’s wrist before he can go for his bow.

The Captain has finally come back to the moment. His brow furrows, “what’s wrong?”

Natasha doesn’t look away from Clint, “Phil and Clint were married, and I’d suggest you think very carefully before you say anything.” The second comment seems to be directed more at Steve, which is good because Stark certainly doesn’t follow the advice.

“What, him and Agent? Seriously? But there was a cellist, I can’t be wrong about that, I mean he was talking to Pepper about her, I swear I wasn’t making that up.”

Tony gestured wildly enough as he spoke that Clint actually looked up. Any hope that that was a good sign, was immediately dashed as Clint brought a hand to his mouth and the tears started to silently fall.

“Our anniversary is in two weeks, he said Pepper was helping him plan something.”

Phil saw the moment when Clint broke, and he hated himself for causing it, even if he hadn’t really had another option. The thing was, Clint built himself around the people in his life. He’d been starved for affection growing up, constantly moving once he’d joined the circus. The People were the only constant, even if they didn’t give him the time of day. It had taken months of asking before Clint had honestly believed Phil really wanted to date him. Once they’d been married, Phil had known that was it. Even a friend as close as Natasha would never compare. The center of Clint’s world had just been ripped out and there was nothing Phil could do to fix it.

Natasha tried to pull him close, but he pushed her away.

“There’s no point. I should have died out there, fighting. Now they’ll drag me in front of the council and you know his name will be ruined, because he said he loved me. He’s a hero but that won't matter to them. I should have died. I should have--”

Thor stepped forward, “This is not the proper way to honor his memory. If he did love you as you say, and I have no doubt of it, then he would not wish you to blame yourself.”

Thor glanced up and looked to where Phil stood, invisible in the corner, almost as if he could see them. Clint tried to pull away from Thor too, but he was both stronger than Natasha and more stubborn when it came to this particular point.

“Fuck you. You didn’t know him. Don’t pretend to speak for him.” Clint was scrambling for the sheath on his thigh, but Natasha had beaten him to it. She deliberately put the knife on the table. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself Clint. I did know Phil, and he wouldn’t want that.”

“Well, maybe I don’t care.”

Phil shuddered and let out a soft sound. It made Thor glance in his direction again, so maybe the asgardian really could sense them somehow.

“Lady Randgrid. It seems my friend will listen to reason from no one save his love. Will you grant a boon, and allow them to say a proper farewell?” Thor spoke directly to the valkyrie. The others looked into the corner, clearly not understanding. Even Clint stopped fighting, and just stood shaking as he leaned on the back of his chair.

“You ask for no small thing Lord Thor.”

“True, but I would not have my shield brother lose his place in Valhalla because he sank to far into his own grief. Whatever your price, I will pay it.”

Randgrid turned her gaze on Clint. “It is not you who would owe the debt, and yet… You truly believe this Clint Barton to be worthy of Valhalla?”

“I have seen his skill in combat this day. He is among the finest warriors I have fought beside,” Thor said with no hesitation.

Randgrid considered, then nodded. “If he swears his soul to me then I will grant this boon.”

Phil’s heart lept into his throat. No, not after Loki, not like this. Except they couldn’t see or hear him, none of them except Thor, and the god seemed strangely satisfied with that answer.

“Clint, The valkyrie who has collected your Coulson’s soul is here. She will depart soon, taking him to the shining halls, but she has agreed to grant you a farewell if you would swear your soul to her.” He held up a hand before any of them could protest, “This would not affect your mind or your time among the living. The valkyries are honored by the number and might of the warriors they collect. She simply wishes to be the one to have that glory. However there is a price, should your death not be a worthy one you will drift and fade. No other may take your soul to the realms beyond.”

“I’ll do it,” Clint said almost before Thor had finished explaining. “I swear or whatever. What do I need to do?”

“Simply hold out your hand,” Thor explained stepping aside.

Randgrid moved to stand in front of Clint and held her hand palm down over his. Little sparks of light drifted up like campfire sparks, forming a bracelet around her wrist. When it was complete, she nodded holding out her other hand to Phil.

The chance to say goodbye wasn’t something he’d ever thought he’d get. He didn’t like the price tag, but it was Clint’s choice in the end. He took her hand.

Light crept from where she touched his hand creeping up under his skin and making him glow. One by one the avengers seemed to focus on him, blinking as he appeared out of the air. Clint tried to blink the tears away, reaching out.

Thor held him back. “They are not truly here. Randgrid can grant sight and sound, but touch would cost more magic than is wise to use.”

Clint’s hand wavered, then slowly dropped, but even then he stepped forward until they could have almost have been touching anyway.

“Phil?”

Phil had to swallow around all the things he wanted to say. There just wasn’t time. Anyway, this wasn’t about him, Saying goodbye was for the sake of the living.

“Talk to me Clint, what are you thinking?” It came out like any other time he’d checked in on the coms. Like every time Clint had started to do something crazy and Phil had had to try to follow along or get left behind. Every time he’d secured a private channel just to whisper what he wanted to do once they were alone.

Clint let out a little hurt sound, and the tears created new tracks down his face. “Phil, you can’t. Please, don’t just leave me like this.”

Phil shook his head slightly, “You know it’s not like that.” The archer looked like he wanted to argue, but Phil only had to give him a look to make him shut up. “None of us get to choose when we go, only how. We both knew this was a possibility from the start.”

“I’m the field agent,” Clint argued. “It was supposed to be me.”

“You wanted to leave me behind? So I could feel what you’re feeling now?”

“No I--” Clint closed his eyes again, but this time he seemed to be trying to steady himself. “You’re the strong one, everyone knows that. Without you I don’t have a place, I don’t have a--”

“A team?” Phil interrupted. He pointedly looked around the room. “Looks to me like you found a damn good one.”

Clint made to reach out again, but Phil stepped back. He didn’t want to risk Clint putting a hand through him or something.

“New mission for you Hawkeye: go be an Avenger. Inspire people. Save the world.” Clint had never been on Fury’s avenger list, but it was too late for him to drop Clint from the team now. “Find people to love.” He added softly, a part of him breaking even as he said it. He never wanted to let go of Clint, but he had to let Clint let go of him.

“No,” Clint shook his head violently. “I’ll love you till I die.”

Phil couldn’t help the soft smile, “As long as that’s a long time from now, I’m okay with that, but I’m not going to hold you to it.”

The Valkyrie was squeezing his hand, the light was fading and he knew his time was almost up.

“I love you,” were the final words that slipped out before Clint’s expression broke. He knew then that the others couldn’t see him anymore. Phil let his shoulders droop for a minute, then he took a breath, and braced himself.

He turned back to Randgrid, “thank you.”

She nodded slowly, then turned and motioned for him to follow.

 

~*~*~*~

 

“They are gone,” Thor said.

Clint didn’t try to hold back the tears, but this time he didn’t pull away or try to fight her when Natasha wrapped her arm around him. He had his marching orders.

 

Clint was one of the longest running Avengers. He never took a leave of absence. When Tony and Steve had their argument he chose a side, but he never left the field entirely.

He didn’t go looking for death, but when it was close, in Markovia, through Hydra and Aim and Thanos, he was there. Sometimes on the battlefield he would see her, the warrior angel he’d sworn himself to. Time and again someone took the shot for him, or luck favored him a little more than the enemy.

Other avengers came and went, Ant man, Captain Marvel, the Black Panther. Sometimes they asked why he was still around, fighting things so far out of his league. He never gave them the full answer, never told the whole truth. The others who had been there respected that, and kept his secret.

 

It was a warm day in late May when he finally ran out of luck.

The Abomination had been tearing up Georgetown. There was a kid trapped under a car that the Abomination had been about to toss at the Hulk. Clint had distracted him, but at a cost. He was 51, and should have retired ages ago. Looking down at his slightly squished body, Clint could admit he’d been hoping for this outcome for a while.

“Would you like to stay?” Randgrid asked. “I know your science is much improved, perhaps you could be revived.”

Clint snorted out a laugh, he couldn’t tell if she was serious, or mocking him. “Na, if it’s my time, it’s my time. Do I pass your test?”

That had been his biggest fear, and why he’d never stopped fighting. If she didn’t think he was worthy….

“Yes, Clinton Barton. You are worthy of Valhalla.”

Clint let out a slow breath. He could see Phil behind his closed eyes, and now finally he’d get to be with him again.

“Let’s go.”

 

When the golden gates were opened to him, and Randgrid stepped forward to announce him, Clint only had eyes for one man. His suit was easy to pick out in the field of armor and combat gear. The mini-cannon on the table next to him was just a bonus.

Phil turned in his seat, met Clint’s eyes and smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> So Phil dies at the hands of Loki. A Valkyrie comes to get him. They go and visit the Avengers after the battle of New York and Clint kind of falls apart. Since it's from Phil's POV it's not directly said that Clint is suicidal, but he's definitely not okay. Clint makes a deal with the Valkrie to say a proper goodbye.


End file.
